Who Am I?

Remember when you were just a kid and your teacher would ask you to do some sort of assignment that was centered around defining yourself as a person? These were most likely called "Who Am I?" projects. You may have even done many of them in your life.

Well, I'm having my non-school related who am I moment. Would you believe that after all of these years, I have not really found myself as a person. Since I've been an adult, I have probably been one of the most indecisive, clueless, and all around just confused person that you know (if you know me, that is). My life has changed directions so many times and I'm not totally prepared for any steps in either direction.

I still struggle with my career goals and what I REALLY want to do with my life. I have also been dealing with self-esteem issues. This, of course, stems from being one of the bigger girls in school. On top of that, I never considered myself a pretty bigger girl (you know the ones that folks say have a cute face even though they have a big body). I never got that. I guess it's similar to people who have the light skinned vs. dark skinned debate. I just don't understand why a big girl can't just be cute / beautiful / fine / etc. Why do they have to be "cute for a big girl"? Granted, like I said, I was never told I was "cute for a big girl" so I guess that's neither here nor there.

So, I think one of the biggest reasons I struggle with figuring out who in the world I am is because I haven't truly accepted myself as a beautiful person. I often lean on other people to make me feel better about myself when, truthfully, I should be pumping myself up. This is something I HAVE to work on though. Moreso now than ever before. Why? Well, the biggest driving factor for me accepting my size / weight was Mo'Nique. She is my role model 100%. Well, now she's losing weight. Tyra has lost so much weight right after telling everyone to kiss her fat ass. It makes me feel better when I see famous people dealing with these sorts of issues because they normally have "the perfect body". When I see them getting closer to my side of the tracks, I actually get a little bit excited. But, that time is over. Everyone wants to be healthy at this point (which is a very good thing) and I'm getting lost in the shuffle.

This is a horrible time to be trying to find yourself, I know, but I think it's important that I get to know myself because it will ultimately help me be a better wife to my husband (I know I said I wouldn't bring up relationships, but this is a special case lol). So, as I sit here looking at my double chin, rolls on my stomach, and thunder thighs, I'm trying to get happy with it all. Or, of course, do something about it.

Thanks for your time today and listening so well...

TTYL!